Wow... where do I even begin. This has been the most incredible month of my life. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I would have to say I have grown and pushed myself beyond the breaking point. In the process of I have learned so much about myself and how to truly love all those around me. Above everything else I have learned to accept myself and others just how they are. Without judgement and predjudice. At one time I thought I knew what true love is... anymore I'm not so sure...

I know I am now in love with the world, and I'm okay with that being just that :)

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain

I can't think of any better fitting words than the following verse from Incubus: "I haven't felt the way I feel today In so long it's hard for me to specify. I'm beginning to notice how much this Feels like a waking limb... pins and needles, Nice to know you, Good-bye!"

Ultimately I don't think anything should be uninvented as I believe this would only be a step back in our spiritual evolution. The more new things we are exposed to and understand the further we can grow. It appears maybe we were not ready to have amassed technology so fast without first developing the wisdom and hearts to understand it's true potential. The inventions weren't necessarily the problem, it's how we as humans have chose to use them, either for our own selfish benefit or for the greater good of all mankind. Whether it has been mechanical, electrical, nuclear or biological, if used responsibly all the knowledge gained could have been used for a positive change.

For years I had felt that I had a solid direction in life. I had let myself get too comfortable with my surroundings. Becoming complacent with the rat race and fool-heartedly letting autopilot take over...  all the while letting it steal precious years out from under me.

Somewhere along the way I had lost sight of the transient nature of all things. Like an ostrich with it's head buried in the sand, I was enclosed in my own blissful cocoon. Clinging to a dream while shutting out the real world, hoping my happy little world would carry me to the end. As with all things, impermanence had to eventually rear it's head and pull me back into reality. Well... at least I can say it was a fun ride while it lasted.

Now I'm confronted with a new beginning, a chance to start over. It feels like almost being reborn, only this time I'm able to retain all the knowledge and life lessons accumulated up to this point... absolved of all prior commitments and responsibilities... free to go in any new direction in life.

As exhilarating as it is, I can't deny the sense of fear of the unknown tugging at my soul. In a deeper sense I guess it is always there, I just did what most of us do and temporarily mask it with whatever means available. At the same time I know I can't return to my old ways, it's forcing me to search for more fulfilling and meaningful life. One of a renewed awakening, open to bigger things beyond my narrow patterns of self thinking.

So many choices it's almost paralyzing... where do I begin? My old desires seem to be nothing more than faint memories. Faced with such decisions I feel my internal compass has no direction except for the compelling need to open my heart and see where the winds of love carry me.

While I would love to say I'd do something grand with the money, right now I'd have to opt for practicality... I'd prepare for the upcoming winter with new tires and repairs for my car. How can I change the world if I can't even leave the driveway?!

Lately I feel I've been too preoccupied with other areas of my life instead of giving thanks for all the things I have truly been blessed with. So today I am thankful for... my current health unconditional love of my pets delicious & nutritious meals true friends, the ones you can go years without seeing but know will always have your back a nice cozy house loving parents a brother & best friend my meditation cushion (it doesn't get used enough!) the timeless wisdom in my overflowing library of books a stable career beautiful and uplifting music that has brought insurmountable joy to my life a car that provides daily transportation the dharma exotic and exciting places I have lived and traveled my imac internet access and the wealth of information available green tea! a hot steamy shower the countless people that have helped me grow on a daily basis the changing of the seasons and the beauty of autumn leaves a random stranger that risked his life to help me escape a burning car the doctors that put me back together again those that have shared their lives with me and all the happy memories zaadz! a daily source of reflection and inspiration Looking back at my list I realize I have only scratched the surface. I have more than some could dream for in a lifetime... for this I am grateful. From this day forward I will put forth more effort to appreciate this wonderful gift of life that has been given to me.

experiencing life in a new light as we grow wiser

The hardest struggles in life are not without their merits. The unknown can bring out the scared child inside, kicking and screaming along the way. As we get older we become better at masking these tides of emotions... which are nothing more than internal temper tantrums. Nobody ever said growing up was supposed to be easy, even if it was implied...

Sometimes we feel so helpless in a situation in which our mind can't seem to cope... especially when we are trying so hard to find answers... losing track the questions may not be real to begin with.

At the edge of insanity, the maniacal laughs of a madman suddenly seem to make a lot more sense... laughter may be the only expression when all other words fail... In this moment the universe makes a little more sense, as crazy as it may be.

As new realizations come into our life it can forever change our views. Old comfort zones become inadequate and can no longer can be used as our temporary retreat from the world. We are forced to grow, expand our understanding and apply our new wisdom to give us the strength and perseverance to overcome the obstacles which once looked impossible.

Change. Waking up and discovering your entire life has literally changed before your eyes. Somehow your mind can't quite wrap itself around the situation. Is this a dream? A nightmare? A blessing in disguise? How did it happen? So many questions yet searching for answers only seems to cloud things further.

It's at this breaking point life approaches a critical fork in the road. With no clear direction the only thing you can do is follow your heart and do everything you can to keep yourself from falling apart. Those you hold near and dear have been swept away in the currents of life.

Suddenly you realize your pillar of hope and joy that you have given your life to is gone and there's no one left to fall back on. What else can you do but stop everything, close your eyes, take a deep breath and follow the moment.

Learning to let go, rebuilding your life and learning to love yourself all over again... I can't help but smile :)